I woke up and my ribs felt bruised from thinking so hard on the events of yesterday. For the fact that A and I haven't dated in almost 6 months and - aside from the past month or so - haven't really been all that close, last night when called me it felt an awful lot like we were breaking up again.
The call started with "So I just wanted to say a couple more things that I forgot to say earlier..." and we delved into the confusion we [I] created by talking about how we were still very interested in each other, yet we both knew that dating was out of the question. I was expecting him to say We probably shouldn't hang out any more than usual just to preserve our hearts yada-yada. Instead, he said "The way I see it, we have two options. Option number 1: we date, and likely run into the same problem down the road. Option number 2: we let each other go."
I'm mad at him. I'm confused by him. How can something I feel so good about (aka him) be the same thing he feels so wrong about? I have never in my whole life been able to relate to the cliche lines in movies, but after the 45 minute phone call with him, I think I officially accomplished all cliches from Rom-Com's (except there was a whole lot less witty banter and hot make out scenes):
+ I have never felt so vulnerable in my life. In a moment of brutal honesty (which we both agreed is the only way to have this kind of conversation) I said "I know, 100%, that I would date you, A." And he agreed, yet still is being held back by a "feeling."
+ I told him that I just wanted him to be happy, with or without me. Which, oddly enough, is true. Sure, at that very second I kind of wanted to go Carrie Underwood on his ass (sorry mom) buuuuuuut I also do care about him enough that if I had to sit in on his wedding one year from now, I would be completely happy for him.
+ We kept talking in circles to avoid hanging up. Because we knew that as soon as we hung up, it was over. Dunnzo.
So here's my question. And maybe I'm a little mad at myself for letting him slip away like this not once but twice now. Why does he get to call the shots? Why does he always get to be the one that interrupts my evening to end things? Why isn't my opinion just as important as his? What about me?
Here is what I would like to say to him (aside from calling him out on his temple tantrum [not to make fun, but i have come to decide that what he was feeling was not necessarily a prompting but an actual fear of his feelings...is this getting too dark and twisty for you? i'm almost done, promise!]):
I don’t think we kiss as much as we should,
The call started with "So I just wanted to say a couple more things that I forgot to say earlier..." and we delved into the confusion we [I] created by talking about how we were still very interested in each other, yet we both knew that dating was out of the question. I was expecting him to say We probably shouldn't hang out any more than usual just to preserve our hearts yada-yada. Instead, he said "The way I see it, we have two options. Option number 1: we date, and likely run into the same problem down the road. Option number 2: we let each other go."
I'm mad at him. I'm confused by him. How can something I feel so good about (aka him) be the same thing he feels so wrong about? I have never in my whole life been able to relate to the cliche lines in movies, but after the 45 minute phone call with him, I think I officially accomplished all cliches from Rom-Com's (except there was a whole lot less witty banter and hot make out scenes):
+ I have never felt so vulnerable in my life. In a moment of brutal honesty (which we both agreed is the only way to have this kind of conversation) I said "I know, 100%, that I would date you, A." And he agreed, yet still is being held back by a "feeling."
+ I told him that I just wanted him to be happy, with or without me. Which, oddly enough, is true. Sure, at that very second I kind of wanted to go Carrie Underwood on his ass (sorry mom) buuuuuuut I also do care about him enough that if I had to sit in on his wedding one year from now, I would be completely happy for him.
+ We kept talking in circles to avoid hanging up. Because we knew that as soon as we hung up, it was over. Dunnzo.
So here's my question. And maybe I'm a little mad at myself for letting him slip away like this not once but twice now. Why does he get to call the shots? Why does he always get to be the one that interrupts my evening to end things? Why isn't my opinion just as important as his? What about me?
Here is what I would like to say to him (aside from calling him out on his temple tantrum [not to make fun, but i have come to decide that what he was feeling was not necessarily a prompting but an actual fear of his feelings...is this getting too dark and twisty for you? i'm almost done, promise!]):
I don’t think we kiss as much as we should,
And you’re the only person I will right now,
Because I’m a little in like [love?] with you,
And it’s terrifying.
There are approximately 50 million obstacles between us,
But I have the energy to break them all down,
and not the bravery to tell you that.
I know it's crazy that three days ago, I was talking about other boys and A was just a friend.
But yesterday, I decided to put my heart on the line and express
feelings to him that I have had since June. And because of that,
currently, he's the only one on my mind. And my heart? Is that a thing? I
don't know. Ok, dark and twisty is over.
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| gloomy days (and i mean that literally - it was raining outside. that wasn't some metaphor for my emotions) call for a selfie in the bathroom? right? also included is the jamba that jamie taylor got for me - it's becoming my favorite tradition. |
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