hi sorry it's me.

this picture has nothing to do with anything, but i just felt like it had to go somewhere, so here it is! you're welcome. 

I keep trying to think of funny things to write about, but I just keep having these really boring, serious thoughts that really no one - myself included - wants to go back and read.  Bleh. I keep checking the room around me for some sort of inspiration, but all I see is 4,334 pairs of shoes all piled under the chair by my door. Because an otherwise tidy life (which I can say after last night - I stayed up late cleaning because somehow my room has not cleaned itself for the last two months) should always remain a little bit unkempt.  Making metaphors out of objects in my room.  Been alone too long. SOS please help this is serious.

So anyways. Boring thoughts. Which I should have just put down in the first place, because otherwise you get paragraphs like the one above that have not in fact inspired any sort of thinking or feeling in any way.

Let me just say that yes - even though things in my life are going great and I could NOT ask for anything better, I still get in slumps sometimes. Seems weird, I know. But Andrew has talked me through this a lot this past week.

Sometimes I'm selfish.  

Last week was one of those times that I was selfish.  I don't mean to be! Here's what it comes down to.  My schedule changed in a little bit of a drastic way, which led to me coming home exhausted and smelling like a mixture of hand sanitizer and glue, oddly.  So naturally, I would find comfort in my bed. For two hours. 

But also, relationships.  I'm still trying to find the balance between being a good girlfriend that's not too clingy (which, if you know me, clingy is the only word that makes sense) yet also still be a good friend, sister, daughter, ward member, person, human, etc. And also, while yes, I've waited a longgg time to be with A and my relationship with him is sometimes too much of a fairytale, the closer we get, the more vulnerable I seem to become.  Meaning, I know my true colors are coming out more and more and that's a good but also terrifying place to be.  Let it be known that my biggest fear yet what I definitely am most capable of at anytime is letting him down - because hi. I AM a human, and that's what humans do, unfortunately.  

So back to selfishness.  I look back at last week and can't think of anything good that I did for anyone.  Now, knowing that I'm a fairly decent person, I'm sure I did something good at least once, but far be it from me to remember!  So like honestly hi. This was I have got to be better because I'm really starting to get annoyed with just thinking about myself all the time. I'm hard to be with 24/7, let me tell ya.  

Ah. So many words, I hope you stopped reading long ago.